Well, I briefly mentioned in one of my posts about this stupid MS scare I had. Well, it's back. My optic neuritis came back for the third time....this time it's the 2nd time in my left eye. I wasn't too worried before when it went from left to right because I figure, "oh the optic nerves are connected, of course the inflammation is gonna travel from one eye to the other....but this has to be the last time!" I was confident the IV steroids (Solumedrol) my neuro prescribed would end it all. That was back in September 2010. Well, now it's back. And instead of the IV steroids, I'm on the orals (Prednisone). Which are so much better. I was NOT looking forward to the IV bc although I felt like Superwoman while I was on the tx, the after effects felt like I was dying. And this I could not afford, being 2 weeks away from my licensing exam.
Tomorrow is the last day I'm on the steroids and I still have slight vision blur but it has improved greatly. Last Thursday, I went to my neuro and he checked my eyes and said the nerves look healthy but I should go to the neuro-opthamalogist just in case and also get an MRI. MRI is tomorrow and I'm praying with all my heart that it comes back clean. I get to see the neuro-opt on Tuesday. My neuro told me not to worry yet because we don't have any definitive answers. Back when I had the 2nd episode, my MRIs and spinal tap were clean. But the fact that its back a 3rd time has me a bit worried. He told me that 30% of people who have ON and it's NOT reoccurring do NOT have MS. Well, I really really really hope I don't fall in the 70%. The pessimist in me says "of course....since when do you have good luck?". It's a complete and utter mind f***. I spend my days worrying and losing sleep. Sometimes I feel like I'm experiencing tingling or weakness in my limbs. But I don't know if it psychosomatic or not. Am I just making this up because I have myself freaked out?
It's hard to deal bc I don't wanna worry my parents by talking to them bout it. I'm supposed to be the strong one in the family. And my friends are all busy with their own lives so I don't want to disturb them. On certain occasions when I absolutely cannot handle the torture I'll text a friend so I can get some help in calming down but the calming down never lasts that long. I can't stop thinking bout how much my life will change if I do have a dx of MS. I know, I know. Modern medicine is at it's best. I mean look at Montel Williams. He's living a pretty normal life with MS (or so we see--we don't really know what's going on in the background). But I can't stop thinking about my future.
There are a lot of cultural influences in my life even though I was born in the States and embrace both cultures. I'm 24 years old and haven't even started living my life yet. My parents are already pressuring me to find a nice Indian boy to marry. If I get dx with MS I guarantee (this is NOT my pessimism....simply the truth) that marriage is out of the question. No Indian guy would marry someone with a simple disorder like freaking eczema (I don't know, I just pulled something out of my ass lol), let alone a degenerative disease. I know I can handle my life and career and live normally, but I am at that stage where I need to find "the one" and think about settling down. I get into a panic every time I think about it. Take marriage out of the equation and I am ready to take on the world...give me MS....I can handle it. But the thought of being alone for the rest of my life puts me into a panic.
I keep trying to convince myself of the chances that I'll be fine.
1. No family hx of MS
2. No other neurological symptoms detected (I'm telling myself if I feel some tingling or weakness it's psychosomatic cuz I've freaked myself waaaay out)
3. I've had ON on and off for 2 years....without any MS tx, don't you think in the 2 years, I would've felt more symptoms?
4. My neuro said my optic nerves still look healthy
Those are all the reasons I've got for now. I wish I had more. But at the same time, I don't completely want to convince myself that I don't have MS bc if I DO get dx, I don't want it to be a shock. I want to be prepared. One thing for sure is that if I do get dx, I'm letting loose. I am going to travel as much as I can and try to have as much fun as I can. But then my mind goes full circle--goes back to the thought "how are you ever gonna get married?". It always ends there. And that's when the hyperventilating begins.
Sigh. I have better things to worry bout than this MS bs. I need to study for my licensing exam that's in 2 weeks. I just wish God would give me a break. I just need some kind of guarantee that this is NOT MS. I don't know how I would handle this if I was dx. I just don't know.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
What Will This New Year Bring???
After an extremely hard semester at school and also to start the New Year off right, I wanted to go to mandir (Hindu temple). I'm not a religious person, but on occasion I'll get the sudden urge to go to mandir. This past year has been horrific....what with grueling classes and insane amounts of work and add to that the MS scare I had (which mind you, still is not resolved even though my LP came back negative). The end of 2010 and all of 2011 has just been one bird shitting on me every single day. Never felt like I could get ahead of myself. But I'm hella proud of myself bc even with the MS bs going on, I managed to finish my MA program with a 3.9 GPA. I wanted to go to mandir, not only to get some blessings for a happier new year, but also to just decompress. Even though it was crowded and I found myself losing my patience with ppl getting in the way, it was good. I found myself getting emotional--which is so rare bc I do not cry often--but as I was praying for what I wanted in the New Year, I found myself tearing up. I just want 2012 to be the best it can be. I'm so tired of being disappointed with everything. I want to be happy all the time and not just have happy moments here and there. Leaving the mandir, I felt a sense of relief. Like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I have made the resolution to look at things in a positive way from now on....no matter how frustrating or disappointing a situation. I think 2012 will be a great year. Here's to wishing, hoping, praying.
I feel like Cinderella...except instead of leaving my glass slipper, I left my water bottle!
So this is week 2 of living at home and it hasn't been as bad as I had anticipated *knock on wood*. However the boredom is starting to get to me. I need to find a job ASAP! Unfortunately, it's not as easy as I thought it would be--especially in my field. Just gonna have to keep searching though!
What's been on my mind lately, is a lost opportunity:
My entire life I have been timid--I grew up in a sheltered home with overprotective parents. They love me so much that they want to protect me from any and every danger or "danger" in their eyes. Never was I able to stay out past 9pm, never did I get to go to school dances, never was I able to date, etc. I lived my undergrad years at college in a fear that something bad would happen if I didn't live my life the way my parents wanted me to. So I never got drunk (I did try drinking a little with friends, but would feel guilty), never went out with guys....always hung out with the safe options. During my graduate years, I decided I wanted to be a bit more brazen. Go out my comfort zone. And I accomplished that on a small level, however, now when I was ready to go out and party with friends....we were in grad school....meaning all my friends (and myself included) were on a limited budget and had no time to have fun due to school work.
Well, last Friday night, I had the perfect opportunity at my friend's bachelorette party. We went to AC and partied at The Pool After Dark at Harrah's. All my friends were getting hit on by guys, a couple of them even making out with others....but I guess my timidness was obvious since no one really approached me. I had my eye on this one guy the whole night (he looked like a Jay Sean doppleganger---my weakness!)....but he never looked in my group's direction. Finally at 3am, as I was trying to round up all my drunken friends (I was stone cold sober), he grabs my arm and slowly runs his hand down the length of my arm and tangles our fingers together. I was so stunned that a guy that I had my eye on was actually approaching me but I could not help but feel cynical and skeptical. It was 3am....c'mon....the guy was obviously drunk off his ass. He probably couldn't see straight and wanted to get laid and grabbed the next girl that walked by. I was able to talk to him about nonsense (he was talking about my water bottle bc it was a weird shape--like a cylinder--and I don't know if he was so drunk he had nothing better to talk bout but my water bottle or if he was just a bad conversationalist--either way it was kinda entertaining and I told him since he was so entranced by this water bottle he could have it) for about a minute before my friends pulled me away to go back to our rooms. Without blinking an eye and bc I was still stunned, I turned to him and said my friends needed me and I have to go. He let me go but as I was rounding up the rest of the girls, I walked past him a few times. I couldn't help but regret just leaving it like that. I don't even know his name! I can't help but still regret it.....3 days later. I keep thinking "what if". I wish I had better judgement and was able to think fast enough to leave him with some kind of info from both of us.
Lost opportunity. Now I'm kicking myself. I feel like Cinderella, except instead of leaving my glass slipper, I left my water bottle with him....and a glass slipper you can trace back....an unidentifiable water bottle---you cannot. BAAHHHHHHHH
What's been on my mind lately, is a lost opportunity:
My entire life I have been timid--I grew up in a sheltered home with overprotective parents. They love me so much that they want to protect me from any and every danger or "danger" in their eyes. Never was I able to stay out past 9pm, never did I get to go to school dances, never was I able to date, etc. I lived my undergrad years at college in a fear that something bad would happen if I didn't live my life the way my parents wanted me to. So I never got drunk (I did try drinking a little with friends, but would feel guilty), never went out with guys....always hung out with the safe options. During my graduate years, I decided I wanted to be a bit more brazen. Go out my comfort zone. And I accomplished that on a small level, however, now when I was ready to go out and party with friends....we were in grad school....meaning all my friends (and myself included) were on a limited budget and had no time to have fun due to school work.
Well, last Friday night, I had the perfect opportunity at my friend's bachelorette party. We went to AC and partied at The Pool After Dark at Harrah's. All my friends were getting hit on by guys, a couple of them even making out with others....but I guess my timidness was obvious since no one really approached me. I had my eye on this one guy the whole night (he looked like a Jay Sean doppleganger---my weakness!)....but he never looked in my group's direction. Finally at 3am, as I was trying to round up all my drunken friends (I was stone cold sober), he grabs my arm and slowly runs his hand down the length of my arm and tangles our fingers together. I was so stunned that a guy that I had my eye on was actually approaching me but I could not help but feel cynical and skeptical. It was 3am....c'mon....the guy was obviously drunk off his ass. He probably couldn't see straight and wanted to get laid and grabbed the next girl that walked by. I was able to talk to him about nonsense (he was talking about my water bottle bc it was a weird shape--like a cylinder--and I don't know if he was so drunk he had nothing better to talk bout but my water bottle or if he was just a bad conversationalist--either way it was kinda entertaining and I told him since he was so entranced by this water bottle he could have it) for about a minute before my friends pulled me away to go back to our rooms. Without blinking an eye and bc I was still stunned, I turned to him and said my friends needed me and I have to go. He let me go but as I was rounding up the rest of the girls, I walked past him a few times. I couldn't help but regret just leaving it like that. I don't even know his name! I can't help but still regret it.....3 days later. I keep thinking "what if". I wish I had better judgement and was able to think fast enough to leave him with some kind of info from both of us.
Lost opportunity. Now I'm kicking myself. I feel like Cinderella, except instead of leaving my glass slipper, I left my water bottle with him....and a glass slipper you can trace back....an unidentifiable water bottle---you cannot. BAAHHHHHHHH
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