Well, I briefly mentioned in one of my posts about this stupid MS scare I had. Well, it's back. My optic neuritis came back for the third time....this time it's the 2nd time in my left eye. I wasn't too worried before when it went from left to right because I figure, "oh the optic nerves are connected, of course the inflammation is gonna travel from one eye to the other....but this has to be the last time!" I was confident the IV steroids (Solumedrol) my neuro prescribed would end it all. That was back in September 2010. Well, now it's back. And instead of the IV steroids, I'm on the orals (Prednisone). Which are so much better. I was NOT looking forward to the IV bc although I felt like Superwoman while I was on the tx, the after effects felt like I was dying. And this I could not afford, being 2 weeks away from my licensing exam.
Tomorrow is the last day I'm on the steroids and I still have slight vision blur but it has improved greatly. Last Thursday, I went to my neuro and he checked my eyes and said the nerves look healthy but I should go to the neuro-opthamalogist just in case and also get an MRI. MRI is tomorrow and I'm praying with all my heart that it comes back clean. I get to see the neuro-opt on Tuesday. My neuro told me not to worry yet because we don't have any definitive answers. Back when I had the 2nd episode, my MRIs and spinal tap were clean. But the fact that its back a 3rd time has me a bit worried. He told me that 30% of people who have ON and it's NOT reoccurring do NOT have MS. Well, I really really really hope I don't fall in the 70%. The pessimist in me says "of course....since when do you have good luck?". It's a complete and utter mind f***. I spend my days worrying and losing sleep. Sometimes I feel like I'm experiencing tingling or weakness in my limbs. But I don't know if it psychosomatic or not. Am I just making this up because I have myself freaked out?
It's hard to deal bc I don't wanna worry my parents by talking to them bout it. I'm supposed to be the strong one in the family. And my friends are all busy with their own lives so I don't want to disturb them. On certain occasions when I absolutely cannot handle the torture I'll text a friend so I can get some help in calming down but the calming down never lasts that long. I can't stop thinking bout how much my life will change if I do have a dx of MS. I know, I know. Modern medicine is at it's best. I mean look at Montel Williams. He's living a pretty normal life with MS (or so we see--we don't really know what's going on in the background). But I can't stop thinking about my future.
There are a lot of cultural influences in my life even though I was born in the States and embrace both cultures. I'm 24 years old and haven't even started living my life yet. My parents are already pressuring me to find a nice Indian boy to marry. If I get dx with MS I guarantee (this is NOT my pessimism....simply the truth) that marriage is out of the question. No Indian guy would marry someone with a simple disorder like freaking eczema (I don't know, I just pulled something out of my ass lol), let alone a degenerative disease. I know I can handle my life and career and live normally, but I am at that stage where I need to find "the one" and think about settling down. I get into a panic every time I think about it. Take marriage out of the equation and I am ready to take on the world...give me MS....I can handle it. But the thought of being alone for the rest of my life puts me into a panic.
I keep trying to convince myself of the chances that I'll be fine.
1. No family hx of MS
2. No other neurological symptoms detected (I'm telling myself if I feel some tingling or weakness it's psychosomatic cuz I've freaked myself waaaay out)
3. I've had ON on and off for 2 years....without any MS tx, don't you think in the 2 years, I would've felt more symptoms?
4. My neuro said my optic nerves still look healthy
Those are all the reasons I've got for now. I wish I had more. But at the same time, I don't completely want to convince myself that I don't have MS bc if I DO get dx, I don't want it to be a shock. I want to be prepared. One thing for sure is that if I do get dx, I'm letting loose. I am going to travel as much as I can and try to have as much fun as I can. But then my mind goes full circle--goes back to the thought "how are you ever gonna get married?". It always ends there. And that's when the hyperventilating begins.
Sigh. I have better things to worry bout than this MS bs. I need to study for my licensing exam that's in 2 weeks. I just wish God would give me a break. I just need some kind of guarantee that this is NOT MS. I don't know how I would handle this if I was dx. I just don't know.
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